I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
