I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
