im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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