The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
