i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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