just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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