I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
