Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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