Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
