if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
