The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
