I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
