i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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