while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
