Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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