I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm too high and old for this...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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