my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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