I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
and you fell through a lawn chair
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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