you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
