tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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