i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
