Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
