I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
