I heard we made out
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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