You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
