do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
