just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
