If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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