he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
