i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
