My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
