I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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