even my farts smell like vagina
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
