My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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