just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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