maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize