I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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