Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
