the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
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Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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