Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
