As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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