Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can feel your judgement through the phone
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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