she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's blow job season.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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