his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
