Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
