I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
