If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Randomize
