I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
