I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Sext me about skeletons
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
