Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
