I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
