i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
