I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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