Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
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jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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