I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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