That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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