My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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