Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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