The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
