OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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